Saturday, March 5, 2011

Who the hell would buy this?

So I am bored as hell at work and I stumbled upon a list of bizarre products that apparently seem like good ideas. I admit there are a few that I will show you that are awesome and have already been added to my wish list. So without further adieu, lets get started.

First up is the Zaky Infant Pillow, or as I like to call it…

The creepy baby nightmare maker.

This product is advertised as “an ergonomic innovation -- hand-shaped pillows -- aims to let babies feel like they’re being caressed by a parent, while the parent is free to take a nap. It assists with the physical and psychological development of your child.  I'm sure these disembodied hands will psychologically develop your precious little angel into deranged, axe wielding maniac who gets his sexual thrills from jerking off with amputated hands. Or if it’s a girl she will be a stripper.

Speaking of strippers…

This is too fucked up for words. Moving on…

As if your child wasn’t going to be screwed up enough, we have the baby helmet.

Yeah,  I ride the short stroller
When you see a 7-month-old bouncing around in this soft headgear, which stretches as the kid grows, you might be quick to say that this is the child of hysterically overprotective parents, and you would be correct. Innovation has a history of being mocked, and now so can your chubby little rug rat. Seriously I would call CPS on any parent who put this on a kid without a doctor’s note. This kid looks like he gets beat. The only other way you could market this is to keep clutsy parents from sticking their thumb in the baby’s soft spot of instant death. Which is still grounds for CPS to take your kid.

Ok enough of babies. Lets move on to bigger kids.

Guitar Zero
 Yes a folk that is an air guitar shirt. Great idea I might add. I will give an “atta boy” to the creator however they over looked one small problem. This kid looks like he is grabbing his nipple and whacking his whacker. So basically teenagers can masturbate in public now? Does this shirt come in adult sizes?

Ok enough with the dick jokes. Time to grow up a little bit. The next product is on my wish list.

And you thought we were done with dick jokes... (We're NEVER done with dick jokes)
This awesome banana hammock is advertised as Anti-Shrinkage bathing suit for men. The padded swimsuit 'Rooster Booster' guards against post-pool shriveling. I am still checking to see if these bad boys are only for swimming or if you can just wear them around… You know, like to the club or where ever. I am really excited to see how many chicks I can pick up when they think my package is this big.

Speaking of…
More accurate than that "yard stick" you keep trying to use.
Does anyone else notice the giant nipple on the end of this thing? Seriously what the hell man. I’m all for a blow job but this seems a bit strange even to me. So if you are into baby cosplay and measuring you junk this is the product for you… All four of you that exist in the world. Creepy bastards.

Now here is a product I can get behind.

Get it?

That’s not your average bra and panties set my friends. These are magnetic bra and panties for the lazy or incompetent. I havnt fumbled with a bra since I was fourteen and started wearing them. It was one time and she left it on my couch. Everyone gets curious right? Anyway this is actually pretty sweet. My wife would love it. No more torn underwear. I get a little excited at the thought of sex and a little over zealous. I was told that I turn into the hulk and just destroy her clothes until she is naked. This could save us a butt load of money.

Last and certainly not the least…

Fuck milk! Where the whiskey tits?

Yes my friends this is a “Wine Rack!” Every girl’s best friend. Turn an A cup in to double Ds and sport your favorite beverage for yourself and your friends. Better than a boob job and cheaper too! This humdinger goes for about $30 bucks and is worth every penny. I have already ordered one for my wife and can’t wait to start nursing… that sounds a bit strange but I don’t care. I soon will be sipping rum from my wife’s chest. Do you know how awesome that is? I wonder if this will go through air port security?

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