Anti-Anorexic Shirt

My nickname is Chubbs for a reason. I have always been a big guy. I'm not fat but I'm not skinny either. I am always teased with being big but it doesnt bother me. Today one of my airman teasing me about being chubby and I told him I wasnt fat i was anti-anorexic. A few hours later he says "Hey Sarge, I made you a picture."

Behold the glory.

WHO Drunk Report

From country to country around the world, people’s relationship with alcohol varies greatly. In some places it serves as a point of national identity (the Irish know who they are), and in others it has become detrimental to a country's overall health *cough* Russia *couch*. Recently, the World Health Organization released a report on the global status of alcohol, in order to help countries combat the harmful use of alcohol and avoid negative health and social consequences. Basically the bastards are trying to take away everyone’s fun!As far as alcohol consumption goes, the United States is middle-of-the-pack, consuming only 9.44 liters of alcohol per person, per year. Which means the WHO didn’t go anywhere near Vegas.

Only 9 ½ liters? KJ and I drank that last weekend.


The WHO reports that males drink more than females. Did the WHO give any thought what so ever to the reason behind this? Maybe women drive men to drink. Here is my theory. Between PMS, honey do lists, mood swings, and withholding sex I can’t see how any man wouldn’t drink. Also I don’t think the WHO added Bacardi Breezers and Daiquiris to the study. With those I think we would be about even. There is only one county where this trend is reversed: Ecuador. But if I had to eat Guinea Pigs and dress like Rainbow Bright’s retarded cousin to get tourists to come down to my shit hole country, I would drink my ass off too.


Looks like Mardi Gras with no boobs. Shame on you, Ecuador.

In their half assed report, the WHO states that nearly 4% of all deaths are related to alcohol. Most alcohol-related deaths result from injuries obtained after some asshole said “hold my beer and watch this”.
Heeyaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Globally, 6.2% of all male deaths are related to alcohol, as opposed to 1.1% of female deaths. One-in-five men in the Russian Federation and neighboring countries die due to alcohol-related causes. Probably because they are playing with old Soviet weapons.

Ivan! Put that down and take off that hat. You look ridiculous.

The harmful use of alcohol is also associated with several infectious diseases like HIV/AIDS, tuberculosis and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). This is because when you are drunk you make really bad decisions.

So that’s how I got crabs.

Harmful drinking is a major factor for neuropsychiatric disorders, such as alcoholism and epilepsy. Really? If you drink too much too often you start to have seizures? I thought that was just bad break dancing but I guess not.


The WHO suggests several ways to curb the “dangerous” use of alcohol. The measures included taxation on alcohol to reduce harmful drinking, reducing availability through allowing fewer outlets to sell alcohol, raising age limits for those buying and using effective drink-driving measures. Apparently the WHO has never read an American history book, or any history book for that matter. In 1791, Alexander Hamilton (you know, the guy on the $10 bill) thought it would be a good idea to tax the shit out of whiskey to pay off the huge debt left by the American Revolution. Protesters beat the holy shit out of government officials to prevent them from collecting the tax. And the whiskey rebellion was born.

Shhh! Is that banjo music?

Wars have been fought over alcohol. I don’t remember which ones but I’m sure there were a few. And raising the drinking age, is this a serious proposal? I don’t know about you, but beer and cheap liquor was easy to come by when I was in high school. Whether you’re 15 or 50 it’s easy to get a drink somewhere. I use to steal it from my parents liquor cabinet (aka the cupboard behind all the pots and pans. They must have thought I was an idiot.)

I started at a very young age.

Despite widespread consumption, most people do not drink. Almost half of all men and two-thirds of women did not consume alcohol in 2005. Abstention rates are low in high-income, high consumption countries because rich people can afford to get shitfaced and run around naked. But those who do drink in countries with high abstention rates consume alcohol at high levels. I assume it’s to make up for the worthless non-drinking vegans.

Sweetheart, even if I was shitfaced I wouldn’t kiss you.


The WHO census showed that between 2005 and 2010 most of the world drank the same amount every year, but Africa and South-East Asia showed a drastic increase. What was the favorite alcoholic beverage for these regions? Beer. I would bet that the favorite music for these regions was country music as well. Proving that rednecks are taking over the world. Don’t worry, all that means is there are more drunken bastards trying to fuck with big fucking cats.

Have you ever had steak marinated in Jack Daniel’s? It’s fucking delicious!

How It Would Have Ended

This is how some of history's great movies would have ended, had I been the main character...

1. Armageddon

2. Avatar

3.  Braveheart

4. Forest Gump

5.  Up

Who the hell would buy this?

So I am bored as hell at work and I stumbled upon a list of bizarre products that apparently seem like good ideas. I admit there are a few that I will show you that are awesome and have already been added to my wish list. So without further adieu, lets get started.

First up is the Zaky Infant Pillow, or as I like to call it…

The creepy baby nightmare maker.

This product is advertised as “an ergonomic innovation -- hand-shaped pillows -- aims to let babies feel like they’re being caressed by a parent, while the parent is free to take a nap. It assists with the physical and psychological development of your child.  I'm sure these disembodied hands will psychologically develop your precious little angel into deranged, axe wielding maniac who gets his sexual thrills from jerking off with amputated hands. Or if it’s a girl she will be a stripper.

Speaking of strippers…

This is too fucked up for words. Moving on…

As if your child wasn’t going to be screwed up enough, we have the baby helmet.


Yeah,  I ride the short stroller

When you see a 7-month-old bouncing around in this soft headgear, which stretches as the kid grows, you might be quick to say that this is the child of hysterically overprotective parents, and you would be correct. Innovation has a history of being mocked, and now so can your chubby little rug rat. Seriously I would call CPS on any parent who put this on a kid without a doctor’s note. This kid looks like he gets beat. The only other way you could market this is to keep clutsy parents from sticking their thumb in the baby’s soft spot of instant death. Which is still grounds for CPS to take your kid.

Ok enough of babies. Lets move on to bigger kids.


Guitar Zero

 Yes a folk that is an air guitar shirt. Great idea I might add. I will give an “atta boy” to the creator however they over looked one small problem. This kid looks like he is grabbing his nipple and whacking his whacker. So basically teenagers can masturbate in public now? Does this shirt come in adult sizes?

Ok enough with the dick jokes. Time to grow up a little bit. The next product is on my wish list.

And you thought we were done with dick jokes... (We're NEVER done with dick jokes)

This awesome banana hammock is advertised as Anti-Shrinkage bathing suit for men. The padded swimsuit 'Rooster Booster' guards against post-pool shriveling. I am still checking to see if these bad boys are only for swimming or if you can just wear them around… You know, like to the club or where ever. I am really excited to see how many chicks I can pick up when they think my package is this big.

Speaking of…

More accurate than that "yard stick" you keep trying to use.

Does anyone else notice the giant nipple on the end of this thing? Seriously what the hell man. I’m all for a blow job but this seems a bit strange even to me. So if you are into baby cosplay and measuring you junk this is the product for you… All four of you that exist in the world. Creepy bastards.

Now here is a product I can get behind.


Get it?

That’s not your average bra and panties set my friends. These are magnetic bra and panties for the lazy or incompetent. I havnt fumbled with a bra since I was fourteen and started wearing them. It was one time and she left it on my couch. Everyone gets curious right? Anyway this is actually pretty sweet. My wife would love it. No more torn underwear. I get a little excited at the thought of sex and a little over zealous. I was told that I turn into the hulk and just destroy her clothes until she is naked. This could save us a butt load of money.

Last and certainly not the least…

Fuck milk! Where the whiskey tits?


Yes my friends this is a “Wine Rack!” Every girl’s best friend. Turn an A cup in to double Ds and sport your favorite beverage for yourself and your friends. Better than a boob job and cheaper too! This humdinger goes for about $30 bucks and is worth every penny. I have already ordered one for my wife and can’t wait to start nursing… that sounds a bit strange but I don’t care. I soon will be sipping rum from my wife’s chest. Do you know how awesome that is? I wonder if this will go through air port security?

Hollywood Doesn't Understand the Military

All my friends know that Armageddon is a favorite movie of mine... One I both loathe and love at the same time... For all of us in the military though, there is one awesome scene that is so amazingly bogus, I had to share my outrage.  About 1 hour 40 into the movie, this scene smacks you right in the face.

The President is meeting with his advisors about whether or not to remote detonate the nuke, because Bruce Willis is a washed up piss poor actor, er, driller.

 He calls the 4 Star General at NASA Headquarters, and you know shit is real, its a RED PHONE!

The 4 Star breaks the news to Bad Santa, who is understandably heartbroken.

Pres Says "Fuck John McClane and Holden McNeil"



Elevators open dramatically, gotta love the low angle.



Look at all that metal, this is obviously some Top Secret underground NASA control center...

And then out walk these guys...

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!  The President is detonating a nuke, something that hasn't been done since we decimated the Japanese. The Air Force is taking over NASA with a Tech and a Staff Sergeant, followed by a bunch of Airmen. 

To put that in perspective for all non-miltary readers, this blog is written by a Tech and a Staff Sergeant...  People of our rank are hardly qualified to save the world, we're barely trusted with laptops.  If Obama were to entrust the nuclear overide keys to guys like me and Jared, theres only 1 possible outcome...

Can I get a mulligan?

The Time I Should Have Died

Stories of a youth well spent, narrowly avoiding death at times when it was the most probably outcome of our stupidity...

Remember "The Anarchists Cookbook?"  I do, and like many young males for the last few decades it held special reverence for me.  It was a recipe book for fun.  Most things I would have never tried, or didn't even care to try, hell, half the book involved ripping off payphones and using modems to run scams, things which were outdated even at my time in the late 90s early 00s.  But the passages involving explosives were especially useful, ingredients were readily available, and in this golden age of the internet, the information was out there asking to be absorbed by my young impressionable mind. The one that caught my interest immediately was of course, the bomb.

Seriously, he is the first boss.  How dangerous could it be???

Black powder was easy to get a hold of because my friend's father had a stockpile in his garage and no way of noticing a missing can.  However we were still living in the Post 9/11 world, and especially in the 2 years that followed the necessary materials weren’t exactly easy to come by for your average 16 yr old.  Walking into a hardware store and buying 8 inches of pipe and two end caps would put you onto a blacklist and good ol Dubya would wiretap the shit out of your phone himself.  So we had to look to alternatives...

Mistake 1: Using a paper towel roll for a pipe.

You see what makes a pipe bomb so powerful is physics.  The explosive burns and the heat causes expansion of gasses released by the reaction.  The pipe contains this expansion until the pressure builds enough to burst the pipe, it's basically the definition of explosion.  We decided to replace the containment force which is usually metal, with cardboard...  to plug up the ends I stood it up on a piece of paper, and let a 1/2 in of epoxy dry down there. Then after we filled it with black power, topped that off with paper towel to hold it in, and epoxy’d the other end shut as well.

Does posting this make me a terrorist now?

Mistake 2: The fuse.

We had made a fuse out of twine and crushed black powder ala a recipe in the cookbook, but we also half assed it, with an expected result.  We made one of these half ass fuses about 18 inches long, and never tested one to see how well it worked, or how fast it burned...

We drove our new device out to the gun range, which seems a logical place to blow something up without seeming like a terrorist.  We meant no damage to anyone or anything so out in the desert was the perfect location.  No one was around, we parked my dad’s bronco 50 yards away, put the bomb in the middle of a clearing, lit the fuse, and ran and dove behind an embankment 20 ft away.  When nothing happened I stopped a friend from immediately running up to it to check, and I made him wait a few minutes to make sure it wouldn't reignite and kill him.  Safety first of course...  After a few minutes I approached cautiously and noticed that the fuse had burned out about a half inch from the hole into the tube.  I knew there wasn't much slack to pull more out and relight it, and I was not even close to retarded enough to relight half an inch of fuse and try and make that run, so I did what seemed to be the simplest and coolest solution.

Mistake 3: The Looney Tunes Protocol.

Everyone too old for Twilight will remember the Looney Tunes, and how in 1 of every 4 episodes someone lit a trail of black powder which slowly burned it way into a barrel of the stuff then caused an enormous and hilarious explosion.  Usually on a pirate ship, the world leaders of black powder know how.

Anyone who has ever worked with or lit black powder (or seen the Mythbusters they did on it) will know that this is highly inaccurate...  Black powder burns at lightning quick speed and the 10 inch trail I left myself burned approximately 1 million times quicker than the 20 seconds I had estimated based on my lifetime of cartoon expertise. 



Research

 I lit the trail and before I could blink a car size fireball had engulfed my face and left me kneeling in a cloud of smoke coughing and slapping the fire out on my head.  What ended up saving me was probably the fact that that 10 inch trail took about half the remaining black powder in the pipe, and the fuse hole which I widened to pour it out provided an outlet for all that pressure to escape in the form of fire instead of an explosion that might have taken off my hand or head.  Who knows how well it would have exploded anyway but what I do know is that it could have been and should have been by all rights, a lot worse.

The Lesson: I knew the basic physics of explosions,  I knew the basic safety from all the fireworks warnings I had gotten in school over the years, I was a pretty smart kid (mostly) but the lesson I learned that day was probably the most important and one that has really stuck with me to this day.

TV is Bullshit



 

Somehow, I Survived

So KJ sent me an email the other day about doing an entry about times we should have died but miraculously we survived. KJ is a bit dramatic. I have had several brushes with the serious injury gremlin but I really can’t think of a time where I should have died but somehow survived.

I do remember my first deployment. Stranded on a desert island in the middle of shark infested waters. It was pretty harsh conditions. It was in the middle of monsoon season. A desert monsoon is basically just 40 mph steady winds gusting up to 80. Not a pleasant situation let me tell you. My job was to light the flaming death traps for the kitchen. Why? Well because I was a 19 year old guy. That was my qualification. Seriously no one else wanted to do it. I said ok and then soon figured out why I got such a sweet job. First let me tell you about the burners. This isn’t the propane stove you use for camping.

The Widow Maker

The fuel used to light these bad boys is unleaded gas. That’s right. MOGAS as we call it. Why does the military use gasoline? Because it’s readily available. You can siphon it out of trucks, or get it from the spare tanks almost every vehicle has. It’s always around. Pretty smart idea I thought… right up until I learned how to light this son of a bitch. First you use a bicycle pump to pressurize the tank which holds like 3 gallons of gas. Ok you aren’t pumping up like a truck tire you only put in about 8psi but the dip shit teaching me decide that 15 psi was better for the high winds we had to deal with. This is mistake number one. We had to light four of these things to heat our grills we use to cook with. So we went through the preheating steps to get the gas to vaporize in the chamber. Yeah basically we had to boil gas. Does this sound like a bad idea to anyone else? If we didn’t get the gas sufficiently hot enough it would pour out the out the front air intake and cover you in gas which is never a good thing to be covered in.

Seemed Like a good idea at the time

So my “supervisor” shows me a trick to preheat the burners. This clever little short cut is called “shot gunning.” What you do is you get one burner started in preheating mode. Then you take a cold burner and flip it upside down and lay it on top of your preheating burner. This sort cut saves you about three minutes of prep time. This isn’t a short cut, this is tempting fate.



<>

<>

What do I need a head for anyway?

 

Let me cut to the case. Tweedle dip shit decides that five minutes, or one cigarette, of preheating that the burners are ready to light. So we flip the top ones back over and go through the steps of lighting these monsters. All you do is crank open a knob on the front which allows the vaporized gas to mix with air and seep up through the burner star which is the lit by the preheater. Boom! You have a burner to cook on. If you did it properly that is. We did not. When we cranked open the knob liquid gas pour out the air intake and covered my boots. Then the spark happened. I don’t know where it came from. My guess is that it was his smoldering cigarette butt that he dropped on the ground. One little spark ignited the puddle of gas I was still standing in and I was aflame!

Owwie Owwie Owwie

From about age 3 we are told that if we are ever on fire we stop, drop, and roll. Has anyone on fire ever remembered to stop, drop, and roll? Doubt it. I ran around like a 4 year old on a sugar high. I probably screamed like a little girl but I couldn’t hear myself over the fact that I was on fucking fire! Thankfully there were 40mph winds so I was blown out like a birthday candle before I had serious burns on my skin. A few blisters are all I really got, but my pants were pretty much gone.