KJ & Chubbs: Advice Columnists

This week, we answer real questions posed to Dear Abby, but unlike her, we will give the correct answers...

Dear Abby:

My husband gave a friend of his -- I'll call him "Fred" -- a place to stay and nursed him back to health after Fred was critically injured while driving an ATV. Fred was drunk at the time.  That was six years ago, and Fred is still here. While he has helped my husband with a few chores, he does not work. My husband provides him with a travel trailer, utilities, food and beer money. Fred is 47 years old and perfectly capable of working. I feel he is being disrespectful, and I want to set some ground rules -- getting a job and staying out of our house when we are not home, for starters.  My husband doesn't seem able to have a discussion with Fred. Am I selfish and un-Christian? This is straining my marriage. Please help.
-- FEELING USED IN ARIZONA

Dear FEELING USED IN ARIZONA:

Fred is not straining your marriage, YOU are straining your marriage. I'm imagining your husband doesn't want to kick his best friend out on his ass because having him around is his only defense against the soul draining nagging you probably subject him to daily. Also, are you a doctor? Do you know he is better and in fact capable of working?   The most injured you have ever been is probably squeezing a little bastard child out of your cooz and I bet you milked that for years, I would bet you will continue to milk it for the rest of your life.  Let your husband enjoy having his friend around, it will let him feel like he is back in college, before he ruined his life by allowing you into it.
~KJ

Dear Abby:

When women are being married, they usually start showing off their engagement/wedding ring(s). I have very selective taste, and I find many of them to be gaudy or downright ugly. What am I supposed to say when these women are expecting me to tell them, "How lovely"? – UNENTHUSED

Dear UNMARRIED:
I assume you are fat and ugly and hate the fact that everyone around you is getting married and living happily ever after. I have come up with a four step life plan for you that will help you in every situation you will ever encounter again. Grab a pen.
Step 1: Find Jesus
Step 2: Become a Nun.
Step 3: Take a vow of silence.
Step 4: Live out the rest of your days high in the mountains of some god forsaken country that still uses goats as wedding gifts so you will never see a ring and get all retarded jealous again.
You’re Welcome.
~Chubbs

Dear Abby:

My 92-year-old mother is the most hateful woman you have ever met. My husband and I took her into our home because she could no longer care for herself. She immediately took over everything, telling us what to do, being demanding and complaining that nothing was ever right.  She tried to discipline my well-behaved kids, ages 15 and 21. She attempted to treat them the way she treated us, using foul language, hitting and verbally abusing. My husband and kids have called me at work saying I need to get home immediately because Mother was out of control.  We told her we'd cook her meals because she could no longer use the oven. We modeled appropriate examples of interacting with the kids, but she just didn't get it. We finally had to put her in a nursing home.

Now we are wracked with guilt. Did I do the right thing? My siblings didn't want her because of her long history of abuse. I'm in no hurry to visit her at the home, either. Why couldn't she be the kindly grandma and parent that many children have? -- GUILT-RIDDEN IN TUSTIN, CALIF.

Dear GUILT RIDDEN:

92 is FUCKING OLD!  She had to put up with the depression of having such a bitchy daughter like you for all those years, and she is too old to give a crap about how you turned out, and finally gave up trying.  Her
punishment is going to the home to die alone, which should be any day now, so don't worry too much about it, this is what we call a self-solving problem.
~KJ

Dear Abby:
I have an issue that has me concerned, and I need some expertise. I have a problem with anger. I don't know what triggers it. It happens out of the blue sometimes. I have never struck out in anger toward another person, but people have witnessed my outbursts and seemed taken aback by the behavior. The instances occur every month or two. I'm a nice guy. I would bend over backward to help someone if I could. My verbal explosions contradict who I am inside. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do to control my temper in these situations? -- HOTHEAD IN NEW JERSEY

Dear “JERSEY SHORE”:
Does the poor little Guido throw a temper tantrum? Stop your fist pumping GTL and join in with the rest of society by getting a job and drinking to suppress your hissy fits. Seriously jack ass, no one cares and if you continue your juvenile outburst some old homeless vet from Oakland is going to knock you out on a bus.
~Chubbs

Dear Abby:
 I want to know if you can become addicted to drugs by having sex with an addict. Please don't print my name because I live in a small, conservative community in Ohio. -- NAMELESS IN A RED STATE

Dear NAMELESS:
Please die.  You are using up valuable oxygen with your mere existence, probably a multitude of other resources as well.  I don’t know where to begin with this one.  Do I address how stupid you have to be to not understand that diseases come from germs, whereas addiction comes from poor choices and bad parents?  Do I point out the stupidity of the fact that you are sleeping with addicts and are worried more about becoming an addict than catching the cocktail of STDs that must be brewing in his needle using system as we speak?  Or perhaps I should address that in your small town, everyone already would know that you are a whore who is sleeping with homeless junkies, so hiding your name would do no good at all?

I think I will just stick with "please die," because you wouldn’t understand any of that would you?
~KJ

Dear Abby:
I have four adult children. I was diagnosed with lung cancer three years ago, but it was detected early and my prognosis is excellent. They keep making comments about their "inheritance." An example: "Take care of that painting -- it's my inheritance." Dealing with the cancer is stressful, but their comments make me feel terrible. What can I say to shut them up? -- NOT GOING ANYWHERE YET

Dear “I’LL BE DEAD SOON”:
Just because you were diagnosed with cancer doesn’t mean it’s only stressful for you! Laughter is a coping mechanism. It helps us deal with stressful, frightening, and sad situations by creating a wall. Maybe you should stop being so selfish and say thank you for the jokes kids, I love you too.

Or maybe you were a horrible parent and they really want you to die. I don’t know but it’s a possibility.  Just try and care for that painting, so then you can pass on something of actual value to your offspring, other than your cancer genes.
~Chubbs