KJ & Chubbs: Advice Columnists

This week, we answer real questions posed to Dear Abby, but unlike her, we will give the correct answers...

Dear Abby:

My husband gave a friend of his -- I'll call him "Fred" -- a place to stay and nursed him back to health after Fred was critically injured while driving an ATV. Fred was drunk at the time.  That was six years ago, and Fred is still here. While he has helped my husband with a few chores, he does not work. My husband provides him with a travel trailer, utilities, food and beer money. Fred is 47 years old and perfectly capable of working. I feel he is being disrespectful, and I want to set some ground rules -- getting a job and staying out of our house when we are not home, for starters.  My husband doesn't seem able to have a discussion with Fred. Am I selfish and un-Christian? This is straining my marriage. Please help.
-- FEELING USED IN ARIZONA

Dear FEELING USED IN ARIZONA:

Fred is not straining your marriage, YOU are straining your marriage. I'm imagining your husband doesn't want to kick his best friend out on his ass because having him around is his only defense against the soul draining nagging you probably subject him to daily. Also, are you a doctor? Do you know he is better and in fact capable of working?   The most injured you have ever been is probably squeezing a little bastard child out of your cooz and I bet you milked that for years, I would bet you will continue to milk it for the rest of your life.  Let your husband enjoy having his friend around, it will let him feel like he is back in college, before he ruined his life by allowing you into it.
~KJ

Dear Abby:

When women are being married, they usually start showing off their engagement/wedding ring(s). I have very selective taste, and I find many of them to be gaudy or downright ugly. What am I supposed to say when these women are expecting me to tell them, "How lovely"? – UNENTHUSED

Dear UNMARRIED:
I assume you are fat and ugly and hate the fact that everyone around you is getting married and living happily ever after. I have come up with a four step life plan for you that will help you in every situation you will ever encounter again. Grab a pen.
Step 1: Find Jesus
Step 2: Become a Nun.
Step 3: Take a vow of silence.
Step 4: Live out the rest of your days high in the mountains of some god forsaken country that still uses goats as wedding gifts so you will never see a ring and get all retarded jealous again.
You’re Welcome.
~Chubbs

Dear Abby:

My 92-year-old mother is the most hateful woman you have ever met. My husband and I took her into our home because she could no longer care for herself. She immediately took over everything, telling us what to do, being demanding and complaining that nothing was ever right.  She tried to discipline my well-behaved kids, ages 15 and 21. She attempted to treat them the way she treated us, using foul language, hitting and verbally abusing. My husband and kids have called me at work saying I need to get home immediately because Mother was out of control.  We told her we'd cook her meals because she could no longer use the oven. We modeled appropriate examples of interacting with the kids, but she just didn't get it. We finally had to put her in a nursing home.

Now we are wracked with guilt. Did I do the right thing? My siblings didn't want her because of her long history of abuse. I'm in no hurry to visit her at the home, either. Why couldn't she be the kindly grandma and parent that many children have? -- GUILT-RIDDEN IN TUSTIN, CALIF.

Dear GUILT RIDDEN:

92 is FUCKING OLD!  She had to put up with the depression of having such a bitchy daughter like you for all those years, and she is too old to give a crap about how you turned out, and finally gave up trying.  Her
punishment is going to the home to die alone, which should be any day now, so don't worry too much about it, this is what we call a self-solving problem.
~KJ

Dear Abby:
I have an issue that has me concerned, and I need some expertise. I have a problem with anger. I don't know what triggers it. It happens out of the blue sometimes. I have never struck out in anger toward another person, but people have witnessed my outbursts and seemed taken aback by the behavior. The instances occur every month or two. I'm a nice guy. I would bend over backward to help someone if I could. My verbal explosions contradict who I am inside. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do to control my temper in these situations? -- HOTHEAD IN NEW JERSEY

Dear “JERSEY SHORE”:
Does the poor little Guido throw a temper tantrum? Stop your fist pumping GTL and join in with the rest of society by getting a job and drinking to suppress your hissy fits. Seriously jack ass, no one cares and if you continue your juvenile outburst some old homeless vet from Oakland is going to knock you out on a bus.
~Chubbs

Dear Abby:
 I want to know if you can become addicted to drugs by having sex with an addict. Please don't print my name because I live in a small, conservative community in Ohio. -- NAMELESS IN A RED STATE

Dear NAMELESS:
Please die.  You are using up valuable oxygen with your mere existence, probably a multitude of other resources as well.  I don’t know where to begin with this one.  Do I address how stupid you have to be to not understand that diseases come from germs, whereas addiction comes from poor choices and bad parents?  Do I point out the stupidity of the fact that you are sleeping with addicts and are worried more about becoming an addict than catching the cocktail of STDs that must be brewing in his needle using system as we speak?  Or perhaps I should address that in your small town, everyone already would know that you are a whore who is sleeping with homeless junkies, so hiding your name would do no good at all?

I think I will just stick with "please die," because you wouldn’t understand any of that would you?
~KJ

Dear Abby:
I have four adult children. I was diagnosed with lung cancer three years ago, but it was detected early and my prognosis is excellent. They keep making comments about their "inheritance." An example: "Take care of that painting -- it's my inheritance." Dealing with the cancer is stressful, but their comments make me feel terrible. What can I say to shut them up? -- NOT GOING ANYWHERE YET

Dear “I’LL BE DEAD SOON”:
Just because you were diagnosed with cancer doesn’t mean it’s only stressful for you! Laughter is a coping mechanism. It helps us deal with stressful, frightening, and sad situations by creating a wall. Maybe you should stop being so selfish and say thank you for the jokes kids, I love you too.

Or maybe you were a horrible parent and they really want you to die. I don’t know but it’s a possibility.  Just try and care for that painting, so then you can pass on something of actual value to your offspring, other than your cancer genes.
~Chubbs

Our Business Proposal

Like many, if not all of our conversations, this started well within the realm of the logical and reasonable limits of human society, but didn’t stay there very long…

We want to start a cruise line.  Not just another gimmicky, take your family, escape the world cruise line, but an awesome cruise line!  Every governing principal behind every activity offered will be based on the single premise that a majority of the time spent on a cruise is in international waters.

For those of you not familiar with maritime law, and without the hours of free time at work like us, here’s a lesson.

*Source: The brilliant legal experts of Howstuffworks.com

Zone A is what we generally like to call America.  On land and within 3 miles of land is considered Internal Waters, where all U.S. rules and regulations apply.  Any and all ships, and people on said ships, are bound by U.S. laws while in this zone, regardless of the ships country of registration.  Tough Shit for trying to have fun, we know.

Zone B is the U.S. Territorial waters, out to 12 miles off shore.  Most of the U.S. laws are still in effect, so fuck this zone.

Zone C is where the fun begins.  This is the Contiguous Zone it is 12-24 miles out.  You can gamble here, but the U.S. still has rights to patrol the waters, and the Coast Guard and Navy can still blow your fucking boat up for anything they see as a threat to National Security.

Pictured: A bad business plan

Despite how awesome that picture is, were not in business to get blown up, so we’ll have to stay further out.

Zone D is what we’re interested in, 24 miles out is the standard definition for International Waters, where anything goes.  The ships and their passengers have to abide by the rules of whatever country's flag their cruise ship is flying under.  Considering a majority of cruise ships are registered out of Liberia, Zone D is basically the Thunder Dome.

Who run Bartertown?

Zone E has the same technical restrictions, but all under Mexican jurisdiction, which is basically the same as just calling them all Zone D

Que?

Now lets get down to brass tax, what will this floating paradise hold in store for our paying customers?  We’ll focus on a few key issues, and offer activities that will generally result in arrest and subsequent prison raping if done on land in the U.S. –

1)Drugs.   After I read that ships and their passengers are only bound by the laws of their originating countries, I immediately assumed that all Holland America cruises were floating Amsterdams and could be spotted on the horizon by their giant plumes of pot smoke.

The problem with this of course is that the ship would have to depart and arrive back in the Netherlands, and never dock anywhere else without risking being raided and arrested by local authorities.  Who would bother to fly to Amsterdam to take a cruise out to intentional waters to do what you could easily do right outside the airport there?

How do we get around this you might ask?  Easy.

Bam! Tiny ship!

One ship holds the supply of narcotics which it has picked up in friendly ports, then meets up with our cruise ship 24 miles off shore, where the exchange takes place.  That ship can follow us around and carry all sorts of supplies, unloading them when it becomes necessary to dock and refuel, and picking them up afterwards.  Also it has weapons, to you know, fight of pirates. 

2)Prostitution  Frankly I'm surprised no one is doing this already, especially since the solution is the same way cruise lines already get around the issue of gambling.

Nothing in the slot until we're 12 miles out...

The general staff could easily perform other jobs when close to a port, making the entire operation completely legal.  There’s no legitimate reason this hasn’t been implemented on cruise ships already, and honestly, I’m very disappointed that there isn’t already a Hustler branded cruise line full of girls who hate their fathers.  In fact, speaking of branded cruise lines, imagine how much more money Disney could make without losing their lucrative family market.

This guy knows what I’m talking ‘bout

3) Gambling.  Of fucking course there will be gambling!  Not just slots and table games though, to stand out above the already crowded market we will have to take it up a notch.

Finish Him!

Who among you wouldn’t want to throw down on some good old fashioned monkey knife fight action?  If you answered “me” to that last question, then fuck you!  You don’t have to bet on it, just enjoy a joint next to the pool on the Fellatio Deck.  I don’t know how many times I have heard of the prospect of monkey knife fights, but I do know that each time it has sounded more exciting than the last.  This alone would turn us a profit in the first fiscal quarter. 

Luckily, many of the ports friendly enough to let us restock our drug supply are just silly with monkeys (I’m assuming).  This is what is known as a win-win-win situation. We stop in a port (or send our runner boat in really, so the fun doesn’t have to stop on the cruise) and can turn around entire local economies.  How? I’ll tell you how; first we buy up all the narcotics we can find. This keeps them off the streets while also injecting vast amounts of American currency into the local economy (I’m sure they will use it for schools and stuff).  Second, we also buy up all the monkeys the locals can round up, cheaply, and in bulk.

The Barrel is the standard unit of measure when purchasing monkeys in bulk

There’s another problem here.  We can’t exactly roll into San Francisco Bay with a boatload of dead and half dead monkeys.  PETA will lose their shit over something like that, so we will have to cleanly and humanely dispose of the losers. 

We toss the losers overboard, and the more banged up winners probably too, plus any monkeys we don’t really want to hang on to either…  That way we’re not being cruel to animals once we dock.  Monkeys are biodegradable, 100% natural, non toxic and are a completely renewable resource.

An Inconveinent Truth

4) The Catch.  So with all this amazing illegal action going on, we might tend to attract the wrong type of crowd, and we want to ensure the safety of our passengers.  Royal Caribbean reported 66 different incidents of sexual assault from 2003-2005, none of which were successfully prosecuted, that’s the kind of behavior we want to nip in the bud… No one is going to pay for a cruise, no matter how awesome it may be, if the chance of being raped hovers right around 100%   So we'll have to hire some private security.

One reason I hope God has a sense of humor.

I'm Chubbs and I am a little bit of an asshole. Not in the sense that I go around committing hate crimes or taking candy from babies. I just don’t interact with the public very well. I don’t have a mental illness or some kind of strange phobia; I just don’t like large groups of people. A crowd is only as smart as the loudest one, and given the fact that the louder you are the dumber you are... can you see why I don’t like crowds? Also I don’t have a filter. I laugh out loud at people. I don’t discriminate either. Handicapped, Black, White, Mexican, Asian, if you act like your stereotype, I laugh. I know I am going to hell but I am going to have fun on the way down.

So my wife and I went out to eat at an all you can eat buffet one day. We don’t get to go out a lot mainly because I don’t want to go. Seriously who wants to go be served by minimum wage, pimple faced, teenagers who only got a job to by pot and video games? But as my wife puts it "it's not all about you!" So every now and then I suck it up and go out into the big bad world with my lovely wife.

While eating I noticed a lot of arm movement coming from a table in our section. I looked over and saw a middle aged couple talking to each other using sign language. It was a very heated discussion judging from the signals and facial expression. Now I continued to watch not because I understand sign language, but because the guy was holding his fork the entire conversation. If you have ever seen a sign language you know how animated it is. Now do that with a sharp object in close proximity to a bunch of fat people gorging themselves at a human pig trough and you are asking for mass fatality event. My wife is watching me watch this potential fiasco and sees me start to grin. We are still in our first year of marriage so she hasn't learned not to ask me what I am thinking. Our conversation went something like this:

Wife- what are you grinning at?
Me- the couple over there flailing around.
Wife- that's sign language you ass, don't make fun.
Me- why not it’s not like they can hear me, besides he is signing with a fork in his hand.
Wife- so he is talented
Me- you freak out when I talk with my mouth full. Besides if he doesn't tone it down someone is going to lose an eye.
Wife- you are an asshole!
me- why am I the asshole, he is the one waving a fork in that lady's face like some Asian kid at dancing to techno with glow sticks all over the place. Look at him.

So my wife and I turn our attention back to the epic sign language debate only to see the couple glaring at us. Apparently they were not deaf, just mute.

Turns out...

I have discovered that I suck at drawing, perhaps a webcomic just isn't in the cards for us.  Maybe Christopher Reeves really would have loved to head down to the ball park and swing for the fences, someone had to tell him, "Hey bro, too bad, you can't play baseball, casue, you know, you're a tard now."  That didn't stop him from dreaming though did it.

So soon enough we'll start posting our poorly drawn comics, that hopefully at least of few of you will find funny.  Best case scenario, we end up with a tv show on CBS like "Shit My Dad Says," Worst case scenario we end up with a sitcom on ABC like "Bad Family Photos."

Random aside: That show "Cavemen" was pretty sweet.

So keep your eyes peeled for the first of (hopefully) many comics to come.  And we'll cross our fingers that we're not the gimp in the wheelchair who wants to play with the other kids becasue as Chubbs just told me - "People who shit in a bag tend not to live very long."