Who the hell would buy this?

So I am bored as hell at work and I stumbled upon a list of bizarre products that apparently seem like good ideas. I admit there are a few that I will show you that are awesome and have already been added to my wish list. So without further adieu, lets get started.

First up is the Zaky Infant Pillow, or as I like to call it…

The creepy baby nightmare maker.

This product is advertised as “an ergonomic innovation -- hand-shaped pillows -- aims to let babies feel like they’re being caressed by a parent, while the parent is free to take a nap. It assists with the physical and psychological development of your child.  I'm sure these disembodied hands will psychologically develop your precious little angel into deranged, axe wielding maniac who gets his sexual thrills from jerking off with amputated hands. Or if it’s a girl she will be a stripper.

Speaking of strippers…

This is too fucked up for words. Moving on…

As if your child wasn’t going to be screwed up enough, we have the baby helmet.


Yeah,  I ride the short stroller

When you see a 7-month-old bouncing around in this soft headgear, which stretches as the kid grows, you might be quick to say that this is the child of hysterically overprotective parents, and you would be correct. Innovation has a history of being mocked, and now so can your chubby little rug rat. Seriously I would call CPS on any parent who put this on a kid without a doctor’s note. This kid looks like he gets beat. The only other way you could market this is to keep clutsy parents from sticking their thumb in the baby’s soft spot of instant death. Which is still grounds for CPS to take your kid.

Ok enough of babies. Lets move on to bigger kids.


Guitar Zero

 Yes a folk that is an air guitar shirt. Great idea I might add. I will give an “atta boy” to the creator however they over looked one small problem. This kid looks like he is grabbing his nipple and whacking his whacker. So basically teenagers can masturbate in public now? Does this shirt come in adult sizes?

Ok enough with the dick jokes. Time to grow up a little bit. The next product is on my wish list.

And you thought we were done with dick jokes... (We're NEVER done with dick jokes)

This awesome banana hammock is advertised as Anti-Shrinkage bathing suit for men. The padded swimsuit 'Rooster Booster' guards against post-pool shriveling. I am still checking to see if these bad boys are only for swimming or if you can just wear them around… You know, like to the club or where ever. I am really excited to see how many chicks I can pick up when they think my package is this big.

Speaking of…

More accurate than that "yard stick" you keep trying to use.

Does anyone else notice the giant nipple on the end of this thing? Seriously what the hell man. I’m all for a blow job but this seems a bit strange even to me. So if you are into baby cosplay and measuring you junk this is the product for you… All four of you that exist in the world. Creepy bastards.

Now here is a product I can get behind.


Get it?

That’s not your average bra and panties set my friends. These are magnetic bra and panties for the lazy or incompetent. I havnt fumbled with a bra since I was fourteen and started wearing them. It was one time and she left it on my couch. Everyone gets curious right? Anyway this is actually pretty sweet. My wife would love it. No more torn underwear. I get a little excited at the thought of sex and a little over zealous. I was told that I turn into the hulk and just destroy her clothes until she is naked. This could save us a butt load of money.

Last and certainly not the least…

Fuck milk! Where the whiskey tits?


Yes my friends this is a “Wine Rack!” Every girl’s best friend. Turn an A cup in to double Ds and sport your favorite beverage for yourself and your friends. Better than a boob job and cheaper too! This humdinger goes for about $30 bucks and is worth every penny. I have already ordered one for my wife and can’t wait to start nursing… that sounds a bit strange but I don’t care. I soon will be sipping rum from my wife’s chest. Do you know how awesome that is? I wonder if this will go through air port security?

The Time I Should Have Died

Stories of a youth well spent, narrowly avoiding death at times when it was the most probably outcome of our stupidity...

Remember "The Anarchists Cookbook?"  I do, and like many young males for the last few decades it held special reverence for me.  It was a recipe book for fun.  Most things I would have never tried, or didn't even care to try, hell, half the book involved ripping off payphones and using modems to run scams, things which were outdated even at my time in the late 90s early 00s.  But the passages involving explosives were especially useful, ingredients were readily available, and in this golden age of the internet, the information was out there asking to be absorbed by my young impressionable mind. The one that caught my interest immediately was of course, the bomb.

Seriously, he is the first boss.  How dangerous could it be???

Black powder was easy to get a hold of because my friend's father had a stockpile in his garage and no way of noticing a missing can.  However we were still living in the Post 9/11 world, and especially in the 2 years that followed the necessary materials weren’t exactly easy to come by for your average 16 yr old.  Walking into a hardware store and buying 8 inches of pipe and two end caps would put you onto a blacklist and good ol Dubya would wiretap the shit out of your phone himself.  So we had to look to alternatives...

Mistake 1: Using a paper towel roll for a pipe.

You see what makes a pipe bomb so powerful is physics.  The explosive burns and the heat causes expansion of gasses released by the reaction.  The pipe contains this expansion until the pressure builds enough to burst the pipe, it's basically the definition of explosion.  We decided to replace the containment force which is usually metal, with cardboard...  to plug up the ends I stood it up on a piece of paper, and let a 1/2 in of epoxy dry down there. Then after we filled it with black power, topped that off with paper towel to hold it in, and epoxy’d the other end shut as well.

Does posting this make me a terrorist now?

Mistake 2: The fuse.

We had made a fuse out of twine and crushed black powder ala a recipe in the cookbook, but we also half assed it, with an expected result.  We made one of these half ass fuses about 18 inches long, and never tested one to see how well it worked, or how fast it burned...

We drove our new device out to the gun range, which seems a logical place to blow something up without seeming like a terrorist.  We meant no damage to anyone or anything so out in the desert was the perfect location.  No one was around, we parked my dad’s bronco 50 yards away, put the bomb in the middle of a clearing, lit the fuse, and ran and dove behind an embankment 20 ft away.  When nothing happened I stopped a friend from immediately running up to it to check, and I made him wait a few minutes to make sure it wouldn't reignite and kill him.  Safety first of course...  After a few minutes I approached cautiously and noticed that the fuse had burned out about a half inch from the hole into the tube.  I knew there wasn't much slack to pull more out and relight it, and I was not even close to retarded enough to relight half an inch of fuse and try and make that run, so I did what seemed to be the simplest and coolest solution.

Mistake 3: The Looney Tunes Protocol.

Everyone too old for Twilight will remember the Looney Tunes, and how in 1 of every 4 episodes someone lit a trail of black powder which slowly burned it way into a barrel of the stuff then caused an enormous and hilarious explosion.  Usually on a pirate ship, the world leaders of black powder know how.

Anyone who has ever worked with or lit black powder (or seen the Mythbusters they did on it) will know that this is highly inaccurate...  Black powder burns at lightning quick speed and the 10 inch trail I left myself burned approximately 1 million times quicker than the 20 seconds I had estimated based on my lifetime of cartoon expertise. 



Research

 I lit the trail and before I could blink a car size fireball had engulfed my face and left me kneeling in a cloud of smoke coughing and slapping the fire out on my head.  What ended up saving me was probably the fact that that 10 inch trail took about half the remaining black powder in the pipe, and the fuse hole which I widened to pour it out provided an outlet for all that pressure to escape in the form of fire instead of an explosion that might have taken off my hand or head.  Who knows how well it would have exploded anyway but what I do know is that it could have been and should have been by all rights, a lot worse.

The Lesson: I knew the basic physics of explosions,  I knew the basic safety from all the fireworks warnings I had gotten in school over the years, I was a pretty smart kid (mostly) but the lesson I learned that day was probably the most important and one that has really stuck with me to this day.

TV is Bullshit